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Well stone the crows (they probably do that around these parts –
especially if they’re caught stealing), would you Adam and Joe it!
We just won a one-dayer, which was in no small thanks to yours truly, who
once again bowled like a devil possessed by the devil. As everyone knows,
I’ve always been seen as a batsman who’s not much cop with the ball
– but thanks to a lot of hard work with our physio, and the best sports
psychologists’ money can buy, I’m now a bowler who’s not much cop
with the bat. Fletch says I’m half way to becoming a decent cricketer,
“ might as well say you’re half way to becoming a shite cricketer “,
says Banger. Banger come up trumps the other day with a top notch innings,
although I must say he was unlucky to be given out LBW - what’s more to
the point, I was unlucky to be given out caught at third man when the ball
clearly should have ended up fourteen rows back over long off – in my
mind, anyway.
I’m what you might call a little different from all the other lads on
tour, I set out to enjoy the privilege of touring this beautiful, exotic
country they call Ceylon. There is much to enjoy here - the richness of
the local culture, the magnificent vistas, and of course the splendid
architecture. Yesterday, I decided to take a stroll around the city
– once there I made some fantastic discoveries, including a McDonald’s, a
Starbucks and an awesome Pizza Hut. It just goes to show you how friendly
and welcoming these places are – you can get exactly the same nosh here
as back home. Impressed or what! After this, I chose to retire to the
Sheraton, where I enjoyed some culture in the shape of the local
television channels, which were showing Robot Wars and WWF Classics. Top banana,
except it was in some foreign language, but it didn’t matter as I’d
seen them all before.
Most people think that being on tour with the English cricket team is just
one long party. Well, they’d be wrong there, I can tell you. Take
yesterday for instance, I was awoken at 9.43 in the morning to be precise
by Fletch, who came barging into my room and began wagging his finger at
me and bellowing at the top of his voice: “ oi, lard-arse, you were
meant to be up and training with the rest of them at 8.30 sharp this
morning! “ Stone me, I thought, bowl a tidy ten over stint, contribute a
vital single figure score, and roll over a couple of times in the field
for your country – and this is the thanks you get! After asking and
being denied the opportunity to check if the buffet breakfast was still
available, I trotted off down the ground and got myself acquainted with
the rest of our motley crew.
After a full on twenty minutes practice it was lunch – good job and all,
I was starving, man! I’d never seen the Heinricht (sic) maneuver
performed in real life before today. Our physio proved what a top bloke he
is, when he leapt over the dining table and grabbed the skipper around the
midriff, and before you can say ‘Jack Russell’, Nas had coughed up
this huge wedge of meat on the floor. Makes you think - especially seeing
as I was only talking to Nas about the possibility of me batting three in
the forthcoming Test Series just before he began choking to death on his
tucker.
There are some things you really miss when you’re away from home, such
as a fry-up, a roast dinner, a shepherd’s pie and a curry – still, not
every day can be like a Sunday in Salford, can it? Anyway, Goughy come
knocking on my door this evening and said he had something to ease the
boredom, “ What is it – mucky films? “, I asked, “ no you daft git
“, says Goughy, it’s me collection of videos from back home. “ Now
Goughy might play for the wrong county and all that, but his taste in
movies is brilliant. First we watched Under Siege II which is dead good,
with really, really good acting in it – it’s got that Steven Seagal in
it, too (which is bonus darts), and he’s right hard. Then we watched The
Karate Kid and this really funny one about these American teenagers who are always landing themselves in trouble and
getting drunk all the time – it were hilarious! Then Thorpey came
barging in and asked if we’d like to see this film called Taxi Driver.
“ Who the bloody eck and like, wants to see t’boring film about bloke
picking up pissheads and dropping them off ahtside burger van of a night
”, says Goughie. Thorpey shrugged his shoulders and went off in a huff.
“ Posh twat “, says Goughie, “ Here – top sporting vid “, he
says picking up Monster Truck Race To The Death IV, and waving it in my
face, “ I’ve saved t’best til last “. Nice one.
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