Tony Lewis Found Welsh
The once captain of England and now chairman of Buggering Another Sport Up, has been found Welsh by a court of law, which has resulted in him being stripped of his MCC membership. An MCC spokesman said: “ As punishment for these dreadful crimes, we’ve handed him the maximum penalty by sentencing him to do Mike Gatting’s weekly food shop for the next five weeks.”

Willis Given OBE
Bob Willis, ex-England fast bowler, now broadcaster with SKY has been awarded the OBE for ‘ Being Cricket’s Fun Guy'. A spokesman for the ex-pace bowler said: “ This is thoroughly deserved, for here is a man who only has to walk into a room for him to lighten it up with his brilliant banter and witty repartee. He’s definitely one of the wackiest guys on the cricketing scene - I tell you, when him and Chris Tavare get together, it’s absolutely bonkers. “

Bob Willis Live And Unleashed At The Circus Tavern, Purfleet Is Available To Buy On DVD.

ECB Report Confirms County Game “ Pants “
The much-awaited report into the state of the county game in England has revealed the long-held fear that it’s past it’s sell-by-date, after it was officially labelled “pants” by some of the games’ leading officials. 
A spokesman for the ECB said: “ This specially-commissioned report is made up of a nice, shiny cover with “ The State Of English County Cricket “ written on it, and contains a piece of A4 which reads: “ We, the undersigned have made a detailed study of the county game in England, and agree to a man that it’s pants, and should be replaced by something more competitive, such as the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire board game, or a nice game of scrabble. “

Fred Trueman Admits Modern Players Better
The legendary and sometimes outspoken England Test players Fred Trueman yesterday shocked the world of cricket when he spoke out in praise of modern-day cricketers. 
The fiery fast bowler claims, “ Professional cricketers are far superior now than when I were playing. It’s a simple matter of evolution - logically speaking, any modern athlete must get better and better, thanks to superior coaching techniques, greater fitness levels, diet and modern techniques such as bio-mechanics. In fact, I’d be more than happy if they took all this into account and subtracted two thirds of my career wicket tally to make things appear more relevant.”
On hearing these comments, an angry England skipper Michael Vaughan said: “Everyone knows that cricketers in the olden days were far, far superior than the likes of us today. You can’t tell me that the likes of Sachin Tendulkar are any better than some fat old geezer with a big pair of flannels, painted on pads and a piece of balsa wood for a bat. And as for the bowling, I’d rather put my money on some 40 year-old chain smoking leg break bowler than the likes of that McGrath bloke with his so-called 300 Test wickets, and that searing, smart bomb-like accuracy.”

Chris Lewis Recalled
Ex-England cricketer Chris Lewis’s name was yesterday recalled by a man during the sporting round of a pub quiz. Tim Davies’ amusingly-named quiz team, “ The Red Helmets“,  were stuck on the question: “ Which England cricketer had to sit out a test Match as a result of him shaving his hair? “, when Tim suddenly recalled the ex-England player’s name. “ All I remember was the fact that this dip-shit shaved his head and forgot to cover his head up when he was out in the field, which resulted in him subsequently missing the game“. 

England Lose Again 
The England cricket team sunk to their lowest depths yesterday after losing an impromptu game of French cricket against the hotel staff in the lobby of the Bangalore Marriott.

Speaking during the post-match mini-bar presentation, skipper Nasser Hussain explained: “ Although I’m not one to make excuses, everything was against us today – the carpet wasn’t vacuumed, Darren Gough had a good shout against the cleaning lady turned down, Michael Vaughan got a bad decision from their concierge and I lost another important toss. Still, at the end of the day, the game of French cricket is all about not letting the ball hit you on the leg and making sure you say “in ”. ”