Playing Yourself In

I like to start my innings by ‘playing myself in’. ‘Playing yourself in‘, as us top-drawer professionals call it, involves leaving balls which are wide of the stumps, playing defensively and getting used to the pace of the wicket. And making sure I remain not out at the end of the innings, in my quest to finish top of this year’s Datsun Waterstones Ratings.

Stepping Up A Gear

Having ‘played yourself in’, as us international cricketers say, it’s usually safe to step up a gear. For instance, if your team require you to up the tempo, I find it normally helps to score runs at a faster rate. I find that this is best achieved by prompting younger, more expendable players to play shots, and if need be, sacrifice their wickets. No man is bigger than the game - unless, like me, you’re looking to secure your place amongst the pantheon of great names such as Gavasker, Graeme Pollock, Greenidge and me.

The Big Finish

‘The big finish’, as it’s known to all the game’s greats - such as Don Bradman, Gary Sobers, Jack Hobbs, Viv Richards and myself - is the part of the innings when you ‘put your foot down’. I’ll give you an example of when I used my experience to ‘put my foot down’.
One of my captains once asked me to up the scoring rate, as we were in need of quick runs for a declaration. On hearing the news from the 12th man carrying the drinks, I immediately put my foot down, and insisted that I only needed another 19 runs to reach the coveted number one spot in that year’s world ratings.
Needless to say, I nudged and nurdled my way to a glorious not out over the next hour and fifteen minutes. Damn good job and all - we collapsed like the proverbial deck of cards, thanks to all the others getting themselves out to desperate slogs down the other end. Fools !

Epilogue

On reaching my goal of being crowned ‘ Best Batsman In The Whole, Wide World’, you must accept that there will be plenty of dark, lonely and desperate hours spent in your own company.

Personally speaking I have Mrs Kallis to keep me company - ok, she may not be the best net bowler in the world, but there again, what do you expect from a former Miss Sun City, 1982 ?

One such dark occasion which comes to mind following an eight-and-a-half hour period spent ‘playing myself in‘ during a drawn Test match at The Wanderers against Bangladesh. I was hauled over the coals by my so-called colleagues over that one ! The SA Cricket Board, at the behest of my team-mates, decided that the only suitable punishment was to exile me to Robben Island, where I was put to work recycling Shaun Pollock’s odour eaters and sewing Ray Jenning’s mouth up on an hourly basis. There I stayed for six long months, safe in the knowledge that no-one could take my wicket and spoil my near-perfect Test record.

Jacques Kallis’ New Autobiography Nobody Comes To My Barbecues Anymore is out this week, price 134,000,000 Rand.